Princess of Mars

Now I did quite enjoy "John Carter" with Taylor Kitsch from 2012 but yikes what have they done to the story here? Antonio Sabato Jr in the "Carter" role makes Kitsch look like Marlon Brando. He's just dreadful. To be fair, the third-rate CGI doesn't help, nor does the pretty awful script or the fact that he is clearly there (shirt off) to complement the even less glorious talents of the eponymous character (Dejah Thoris) who seems to have based her characterisation on an over-exposed, sepia-tinted, version of "Wonder Woman". Somebody decided that the US operations in the Middle East was a better starting point and it all goes downhill quite continuously from there. I did quite like the worm thing that spurted out the nutritious milk as our character finds himself transported from Earth to the deserts of Mars where he soon becomes embroiled in a war for the survival of his warlike and horned captors. Luckily he can jump. Boy, can he jump - just not far enough to escape the ensuing nonsense that is reminiscent of Glen A. Larson's "Buck Rogers in the ...". Did "Jabba the Hut" lend out his sailing barge too? It's not the end of the world - though you can see that from here, it's just derivative and trashy.

**_The ‘B’ version of “John Carter”_** When a “jarhead” is injured in Afghanistan (Antonio Sabato Jr), he is used in a teleportation experiment and transferred to a planet in the Alpha Centauri stellar system. Due to the lower gravity, he has the ability to leap great distances and earns the respect of his captors, the Tharks. After meeting a human-like princess (Traci Lords), she leads them to an air-purifying station that keeps the planet hospitable. "Princess of Mars" (2009) is based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ pulp work from 1912 and follows the book pretty well, just updating the opening and cutting out the fat; not to mention adding the (unnecessary) character of Sarka, along with alterations to the various creatures and the addition of some well-done droll humor. Burrough’s Barsoom series (and his books in general) were the comic books of that day and so this flick is very comic booky and can be enjoyed on that level. Costing a fraction of the forthcoming “John Carter,” you can’t really compare the two. It omits any reference to the mysterious and fascinating Therns, who didn’t debut until Burroughs’ second book, “The Gods of Mars” from 1913, which the Disney blockbuster morphed from indigenous Barsoomians to a race of technologically advanced aliens of unknown origin. Nevertheless, there’s still some meat on the bones with the interesting atmosphere-cleaning plant, as well as the understandable contention between the Tharks and their human-like rivals on Barsoom, the latter of which maintain the station. Traci Lords was 41 during shooting, but in perfect physical shape, so I found her acceptable as Dejah Thoris, despite her age, blonde hair and lack of reddish skin tone. Keep in mind that while the Brothers Grimm described Snow White as having hair as black as ebony, there have been renditions of the story where she has “golden” hair, including at least two films, one of them being The Asylum’s own “Grimm’s Snow White.” It runs 1 hour, 33 minutes, and was shot in the Greater Los Angeles area at Vasquez Rocks, Bronson Caves, Long Beach, Santa Clarita, Shea's Castle and nearby Castle Ranch in Lancaster. GRADE: B-

Asylum tries, poorly I love the books by REB. I do. The Disney version (John Carter) isn't a good visual representation of that story. This is worse. So much worse. It is cheap, tacky (not just the way it looks, but how it focuses on gross stuff for a cheap laugh, uses a Leia Slave costume for our female protagonist, and so on) and just a bit soulless. It is HARD to transform these stories into cinema. REB had a very lovely imagination, and he went wild in his books. This, however, was not it. Someone else pointed out that if this had been in the 50s, in black and white, and at a drive-in, it might have worked, and that could possibly be true, but there is no excuse for a movie from 2009 to look and play this poorly. I would not recommend you watch this.